Little Red Riding Hood

Once upon a time there lived a girl whose name was Red. She lived in a little village which nestled like a tumour in the heart of a lush, green forest.

One day, Red's mother asked her to take some provisions through the forest to her grandmother's house. Red's grandmother was very old, and very sick, and Red's mother gave her a parcel of goodies to help Grandma get better. There was bread and cheese, a large bottle of gin, and sixty Benson & Hedges. Grandma was an extremely bad-tempered old lady, and smelled of wee. Red took the parcel and put it under her skirt.

She skipped along with hardly a care, stopping occasionally to shoot at rabbits and squirrels with her catapult. She stole one of Granny's cigarettes and puffed away merrily, singing heavy metal songs off key. In the undergrowth a large wolf watched her intently. He was sleek and powerful, with big, strong teeth and sharp claws. Red flicked her cigarette butt into the trees. The wolf growled under his breath.

The wolf had never liked Red. He didn't particularly like her grandmother either. In the old days, the forest had been nice and peaceful, and now there were people everywhere, chopping down trees and making lots of noise. The wolf drew the line at cigarettes in the foliage. He could smell the food, too, and decided to have a feast and teach Red a lesson into the bargain. He stepped out onto the path.

"Hello, Red," he said, in as nice a tone as he could manage, "what have you got under your skirt?"

"Bog off, you," said Red, "I know what you're after!"

The wolf coughed. "I can smell the food. . ." he said. "I smell bread and cheese and, if I'm not mistaken, tuna."

"There's just bread and cheese, and some fags and booze." Red glared at him. "Now sod off before I shout for a woodsman."

"Well, alright, but that sounds like a nice little feast you've got there." the wolf said. "How would you like some nice fresh strawberries to go with it?"

"Strawberries?" said Red, "where?"

"Over that way," the wolf pointed, "it's not far. Get your Granny some strawberries, she'll like that."

"Bugger that," said Red, "if there's strawberries to be had, I'm having them!"

Red wandered off in the direction the wolf had pointed, while the wolf headed straight for Grandma's.

It didn't take him long to get there. Wolves are a lot quicker than humans, and he had a good head start on Red, who was probably still stuffing her face with strawberries. He sneaked in through an open window.

"Hello, Grandma!" said the wolf, cheerily.

"Oh, bloody hell," said Grandma. She didn't get chance to say anything else because the wolf wasted no more time and gobbled her up.

The wolf was full, but he figured he could probably manage Red as well, so he slipped under Grandma's bedsheets and put her silly, floppy nightcap on. It wasn't long before there was a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" he said, in as squeaky a voice as he could muster.

"'s me, you daft bat, let me in!" said Red from behind the door.

"It's open, dear!" the wolf squeaked.

Red walked in. She had strawberry juice all over her face, but looked very pleased with herself. She squinted at the wolf.

"What's up with your ears?" she said. "When did they get so big?"

"Well, they're all the better to hear you with, my dear." said the wolf

"Don't be daft, they look silly, and they're furry!" said Red, "and what the hell has happened to your teeth?"

The wolf was becoming irritated by this point and decided to just go for the big finale. "Well, they're all the better to eat you with, you horrid little baggage!"

He leapt from the bed and swallowed Red whole, even her muddy, hobnail boots. The wolf burped happily and lay back down on Grandma's bed for a nap.

As the wolf lay there snoring, a woodcutter wandered past. He'd lived in these woods many years and came past Grandma's house most days, but he'd never heard her snore like that. He decided to take a look. Maybe the old bird was about to peg it and he could pinch some of her stuff.

He slid the door open very gently, but it was enough to wake the wolf.

"Blimey!" said the woodcutter, "what's happened here?"

"Well, I ate Grandma, and then I ate Red," said the wolf, picking at his teeth, "and now, I think I'm going to eat you."

The woodcutter tried to make it back through the door, but he wasn't quick enough. In no time at all he'd been gobbled up by the seemingly insatiable wolf. The wolf just grinned, licked his lips and stepped out into the woods again. All in all, it had been a good day.

If there is a moral to this tale, it is simply this: Wolves can eat more than you think. Also, don't mess with them, because you're surprisingly delicious, even if you are a horrid little baggage.

Friday December 03rd, 2004 12:02 PM

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